46 Years of Grief

I watched my mother burn alive

through eyes that only ever reconciled themselves 

to grief

to loss

It's like she knows something I do not know

or 

I know something she does not know

and we are together

on the sea of many sorrows

either way

she won't let go

as tears fall upon aged cheeks

years of holding back

years of knife to the neck

It can't go on like this forever

I think inside myself

a part of me dying too

as I see hope has long since visited the shores of her life

she hides in plain view

but died somewhere long ago 

and 

far away 

from me and you

Her eyes open to the neon glow of the hospital ceiling

she inhales another breath

she resists her own death

today

her life force chugs on

chugs away

like a little engine that wills itself to

stay 

I am afraid

still

resisting my own despair

she quietly sheds a tear

grief she plumbs only when her mind is drawn

down into the murky medicated depths.

I don't even know what she's on, 

but she is definitely on. 

She forgot to put her walls up today

 her heart is bleeding through

it bleeds, my father,  for you

where are you now? 

Can you see me here?

Alone

watching my mother die?

Wait

Hold on a minute

She doesn't die

At least not today.

She fights on 

She raises herself from the dead

and off her own death-bed

one foot ahead 

though I swear 

I saw her break 

beyond repair

beyond what is fair

I saw my mother burn alive

through eyes that only ever reconciled themselves to 

tragedy

tragedy

tragedy

But

 today

she wiped the tears away

She had something more to say;

The vine begins to grow

Words fail to show this part of her I know.

I know

What I have to show.

My mother–

she painted little ducklings in a pond

she painted little stained-glass windows on a church

and a lush green lawn

she painted Tuscan clouds

cottages with curtains drawn

and

skies of azure blue

she painted cats and dogs 

and 

a little bird or two

Endless scenes of winter bliss

cozy houses 

tenderness

through eyes that brim with endless tears

for years and years and years

she cried 

he died

and to my mother my father

my heart is tied

one is here, one is there

one is gone, the other spared

and my heart is torn in two

I don't know what to do

I watched my mother burn alive today

In all the things she could not say

but then she spoke

when she awoke

I love him still

your father was the one for me

and always be

he will 

and somewhere in the realms unseen

my father spoke in tones serene

tell your mother, daughter dear

tell her I am very near

and when her time

comes

I 

will be waiting 

for her

right

here.